I miss my mother, I miss you so much that it hurts to breath sometimes. I know you worried a lot about Pam and I when you were sick, but we both have wonderful lives and God has not given us the short end of the stick. I long to see the look on your face and the tear of joy in your eye when you experience first hand what beautiful ladies your little girls have grown up to be. Pam's kids would melt your heart, and I know their lives would be so much richer with Grandma Judy to love them. You were such a terrific mom, and I am truly honored to be called your daughter. I pray that you are proud of me and the choices I have made in my life thus far. I so wanted more time, but for reason unknown to me that was not meant to be. I questioned God's love and was angry with Him for a while and I know that's some really shaky ground to be on, but your death had left me scarred. I know that it is certain that people you love will die, but no one could ever be ready for that.
I struggle to remember what it felt like to hug you or even touch your hand. But losing you has taught me to love big while I still can, cherish the moments of complete wonderfulness, and try to rejoice in the struggles and trials of life. Don't think for one moment I take for granted the years I was fortunate enough to share this life with you, each memory is so precious. Above all, I know without a doubt death never breaks the bonds between people, or the chains that connect our hearts. I read this quote on the internet, its says so eloquently what my heart feels but what I could not formulate into words.
"A Mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living presence…in your breath, your nurturing, your thought. You will hear her wisdom escaping your mouth. Your Mother is always with you. She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street; she's the smell of soap in your freshly cleaned laundry; she's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well. Your Mother lives inside your laughter. And she's crystallized in every tear drop. She's the place you came from, your first home; and she's the map you follow with every step you take. She's your first love and your first heartbreak, and nothing on Earth can separate you. Not time, not space …not even death!"
Today, on your birthday, I am rejoicing because I have hope for the future, a hope beyond death, and faith in God's plan. It makes my heart happy to know that you are Home surrounded by a peace that surpasses all understanding. I pray that one day I will see your beautiful face again, and until that day comes, I know you and Dad will continue praying for me everyday. Pray that I can have the courage to take the road less traveled and live a life worthy to one day see God in all His glory.
Happy birthday Mommy, I love you.
Your little Ann Marie
P.S. I recently found this video of you and I singing together (well its really you singing and me looking cute). Did you feed me night and day? My cheeks are so fat. I cherish this video because before this I could not remember the sound of your voice.